Last night I kept having horrible thoughts, the enemy somehow got into my head and tried very hard to tell me things about Vayden and my new baby. Although I knew none of them were true the horrible thoughts would go in and out of my head, that somehow Vayden was not a blessing to me because he was sick. Let me back track to the moment where I had the first thought that I could be pregnant, I prayed over my womb to grow and hold a healthy beautiful gift from God. Something I've done with all of my children. The moment the two lines appeared on the HPT I gave thanks and glory to God and prayed again over the new life growing inside of me. A word I use several times in each prayer is "healthy" I do not ask for a healthy baby I give thanks for the healthy baby that is growing inside of me. I pray 2 or 3 times a day, during those prayers I give overall thanks for everything that has been given to me. Being born again, this home, my husband, and my other two children Vashon and Vayden. I even give thanks and praise God for allowing me to have a body that is able to conceive and I am never forgetful of the many blessing I have that some families do not.
The devil must not like my faith in God's word, because that voice we all have heard telling us "you're not good enough", "You're not strong enough", "it's all your fault", etc, is the devil trying to use you. And he was in my head saying things like " God gave you one healthy child and the one you carry now is healthy but your Vayden he is not worthy" he says things like " yes, you are so blessed now with this healthy baby growing inside of you, why weren't you blessed then" He is basically telling me that Vayden was not a blessing and let me tell you how horrible and cruel the devil is because he is trying in all his power to make me think that God turned his back on me when I was carrying Vayden.
This morning I cried in the shower as I stood there and said "Satan I rebuke you in the name of Jesus, leave my mind with your evil thoughts, Vayden was blessing and a gift from God, and I will bring home a healthy baby in December whom will also be a blessing and a gift from God". I stared at myself in the mirror so worn down from fighting, and the only thing I could think about was who can I talk to about this? Who is going to understand what I'm going through and I said to myself, wow this pregnancy is really taking a toll on me.
I went to church and the message was titled faithbook. The pastor spoke about how we can get on facebook 10-20 times a day to update our status and check other peoples statuses, but how often do we refresh our minds and read our faithbook aka our bible. I have 5 bibles in my house and when the devil started whispering in my ear never once did I think to pull that book and read it. My first thought was who can I call to cry to. He gave us 7 Faithbook status updates
1. I'm making sure I am not the problem
2. I'm having a bout with doubt.
3. I'm reminding myself of how good God is
4.I'm casting all my cares onto God
5. I'm trying to hang out with the right people
6. Trying to develop my faith because faith is like a muscle
7. I'm making sure I pray
Number 2 stood out to me because he said you can have enough faith to defeat anything, but you need to deal with your doubt. I need to feed my faith and starve my doubt, so basically I need to keep my face in my faithbook and stop even entertaining the whispers of the devil. With number 4 the pastor told us that we were not built the carry worry and stress God did not create us to be able to withstand those weights for a long amount of time and that is why we must cast all cares onto him.
I want to make sure that we are a family that praises God in the good and the bad, that we are people that pray everyday because we're supposed to not because we're in a crisis or need something.
As far as my personal bout with doubt, I am not reaching out to anyone for a crying shoulder, instead I am only sharing my testimony of how I will overcome this war with the enemy, something so easy as turning the pages of my faithbook.